This is a very common question, and the best answer is "it depends."
You need to consider the weight of the issue – how important it is to you – and whether you can accept what is not being changed or whether you have to move on.
Essentially, is the issue a deal breaker for you?
“Heavy” Issues
Generally, when someone asks their partner to change, it’s usually about deeper behavioral issues such as being too angry, being depressed, or drinking too much alcohol.
If these issues don’t change, they are more likely to jeopardize the survival of the relationship.
Let’s say “you” (assuming you want your partner to change) have had it with your partner’s anger issues.
It’s clear your partner gets angry too often and too easily, and this is negatively affecting you, your family, or both.
1) The first step is to share how it’s affecting you and ask them to work on it.
2) And if it doesn’t improve sufficiently, perhaps ask them to work on it in therapy and/or with medication (they are most likely experiencing depression too) or both.
3) If it hasn’t got better and they don’t wish to do anything substantially different, then the next question for you is: “What am I going to do?”
There are options.
You can leave, or you can accept and grieve the fact that it won’t change to your liking, and appreciate what you are getting from the relationship.
A sign they may be open to change
If you ask them and they take ownership of their behavior, they are accountable, open, and curious about what you are saying that is a good sign at the very least it can continue the conversation.
Also, if they can acknowledge or are open to considering how their behavior has affected you (not the most intuitive move, so don't hold it against them) and have listened to or considered your request.
A sign they may not be ready
And a simple sign they may not be ready for change is if they do the opposite of the above.
They don’t take ownership of their behavior, and then they blame you for having an issue with it.
Saying you are leaving
Sometimes when people make the move to leave the relationship, it can be a wake-up call for the other person. For example, “Oh wow, you are serious…”
This can spur change, but I don’t recommend saying you’re going to leave as a tactic to get your partner to change.
Constantly doing that will damage the foundation of the relationship, and if you say it often enough, they will stop believing you.
It should be used as a last resort, and if it’s true for you that if they don’t change their [anger], you will leave the relationship.
Again, you can accept the situation knowing it won’t change, or you can leave the relationship.
“Light” issues
As stated above, deeper behavioral issues have more weight to negatively affect a relationship.
But what if your partner is sloppy?
That is, they don’t put their clothes away in a timely manner, they leave dishes out, or they don’t load the dishwasher “properly?”
We can still use the formula above:
1) share how their mess is affecting you and ask them to address it.
2) If it still hasn’t improved, ask them to attend therapy (ADHD coaching is more likely) or an organizational course. (They may get annoyed by such a request…)
3) But if it still hasn’t improved, the next question is, “Can I grieve the fact that my partner isn’t as clean as I am, or do I need to end the relationship?”
You are still taking an active role here if you choose to grieve that fact.
You are doing something on your side of the relationship if your partner doesn’t want to change. Then consider ways that will help you accept and grieve that issue.
Generally, from my perspective, it’s easier to grieve the fact that your partner doesn’t put their socks away than to deal with untreated anger issues.
If they are too sloppy for you and it is a deal-breaker, you can move on.
We have a choice no matter what.
Also, one person (you) can start a different pattern. Sometimes that inspires the other person to join, and sometimes it reveals they won't. Either way, growth is always good
Remember, the goal isn't to make your partner become someone they aren't.
The goal is to honestly decide what you need, communicate it clearly, and then choose your next steps with courage rather than resentment.
I’ve been writing a lot on this general theme; check out the last blog I wrote: What you can (and can’t) control in a relationship.
Learn more about our couples counseling offerings in Denver and our Relationship Recovery Model made to help couples spend less time disconnected.