Intro
Colorado Relationship Recovery has been in business for over twelve years.
During that time, we have experienced what works and doesn't work.
In this blog, we’re going to share what does work.
But to start off, quickly, we’re going to say something about what doesn't work.
What doesn't work is not having a framework or theory to guide couples in distress who need help.
As a result, we have developed a framework and a model to guide couples in distress.
To help couples (you) find a way to live in happiness and in recovery for your relationship.
To have more peace and harmony, and to avoid those nasty fights that derail evenings and days, and then start to bleed into how we feel about ourselves.
The model
It starts with the assumption that all couples go through different phases in their relationship:
1. Connection/harmony
2. Disconnection/disharmony/conflict
3. To repair – to move back into Connection/harmony
We may cycle through these phases three or four times a day.
Our goal is to help you build more connection and harmony, and reduce disconnection, disharmony, and conflict, with lower intensity and frequency.
When disharmony arises, you two are quick to stop and to repair and know how to repair.
Check out this blog about The Art of Repair; we teach tools and help couples work with the parts of themselves that resist repair.
That part of ourselves is our ego, which says, "I'm right, my partner is wrong, and I don't need to be the first to apologize here." Does that sound familiar? It does to me. I’ve been there, done that…
Less disconnection
We start here. When you come in as a couple, we begin to unpack what is really going on with you two.
As therapists, we ask questions to understand the common painful patterns and cycles you two find yourselves in.
We identify them. We will also ask you about your upbringing.
Perhaps your side of the painful cycle stems from a reflex you developed in response to growing up, something that may have been adaptive then but is maladaptive now.
We give each of you the tools and a roadmap for spending less time there.
We encourage you to handle it as a team and agree on how to spend less time in your negative patterns, because, as you know, they fundamentally don't benefit you, your relationship, or your kids, if you have them.
When we have a roadmap, and you two understand and empathize with how you get into your negative cycles, and how to spend less time there, we move on to repair.
Repair
This is how we move back into connection after conflict. We teach you two skills and how to work with your ego to repair.
On skills, we teach vulnerability to share what lies beneath the anger. In doing this, you give your partner something to connect with and understand, so you can be heard.
You two take turns with this, sharing what lies beneath the anger, which is usually hurt by what happened. You practice being present as each of you speaks, so both of you are heard. That is one way to repair.
We teach the feedback wheel, a tool that formalizes the above process. It helps you communicate and share what it was like for you, and helps your partner be present, practice, and hear it.
Another way, we teach a good apology, which simply is:
- acknowledging what happened
- conveying how that must have felt to your partner
- having and sharing a plan on how to avoid that
These are ways to reconnect.
More Connection
Once you two feel heard and are practicing less disconnection and repair, we focus on the fun parts of being in a relationship, namely connection.
Some guiding questions are:
- What makes you and your partner feel loved?
- What you appreciate about your partner?
- Can you two spend more time together?
- How can you come up with agreements on how to do that?
You picked your partner for a reason.
Once some of the resentments and frustrations clear, we realize, "Oh yeah, we like this person," and so it's important to be intentional about connecting. That entails:
- Getting up and greeting each other when you get home
- Having more emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy
- Appreciating each other
- As simple as it sounds, yes, scheduling date nights
My favorite relationship quote:
“Intimacy is not something you have, it’s something you do.” – Terry Real
Conclusion
This is the high-level approach to our relationship-recovery model.
We hope to be a guide to help you two get to where you want to be in your relationship, on the assumption that you can get there if you're intentional about connecting, intentional about spending less time in your negative patterns, and both of you know how to repair when you are active in your relationship.
You have the agency to change and make it better. Then you can have the relationship you want and do the things you want together, so you are happier, your partner's happier, and so is the family.
Be that passionate couple that truly gets through to each other!
Learn more about our core offerings for couples.