Janelle has shared the concept of a wedding cake, which informs our approach.

Think of intimacy as a tiered wedding cake.

Before you can build it, you need a table — something sturdy to hold it all up.

Those table is trust, humility, collaboration, commitment, and safety. Without it, you can’t start.

The first tier is emotional intimacy.

That's where you share what's actually going on — your fears, your feelings, vulnerability – what’s below your anger.

There’s a cheesy quote that couples therapists often share,

“Emotional intimacy = into-me-you-see.”

When we understand what’s happening with our partner, it creates a connection and honest sharing that fosters humility, collaboration, and safety. It’s how you get to know each other.

Therefore, it’s important to receive emotional intimacy—by listening, being curious, and sharing what’s real with you.

It creates safety because when we don’t know what’s going on with our partner, we assume the worse.

If my wife goes quiet, I'm not sitting there thinking, "She must be reflecting on how much she loves me." It's more like, "What did I do?"

Emotional intimacy closes that gap.

And when it's there — when both people feel known and safe — physical closeness (touching, cuddling, non-sexual closeness) follows more naturally. Then sexual intimacy (how you two define it) can live on top of that.