If you read the title of this blog and thought the answer was our partner, I'm sorry to disappoint you.
Outside of force or manipulation, we can't control another person.
And when we try, we usually get one of two outcomes: they push back, or they give in temporarily.
Neither leads to a healthy relationship. Pushback creates conflict, and compliance often breeds resentment or quiet rebellion over time.
I recently attended a training for couples therapists who offer relationship intensives. One simple reminder from the training stuck with me:
In relationships, we ultimately have two choices: change or acceptance.
When we're struggling in our relationship, we can ask ourselves:
1) Can I influence or change this situation?
2) If I can't, am I willing to accept it?
That sounds simple, but in practice it can be challenging.
Take something relatively small, like your partner never loading the dishwasher the "right" way or always leaving their socks next to the hamper instead of inside it.
You can work for change: ask, remind, negotiate, or explain why it matters. Sometimes they'll change. Sometimes they won't.
If it's becoming clear that this simply isn't going to change, then another task begins.
We have to grieve it and accept what we are going to get and what we’re not.
We grieve the relationship we imagined.
We grieve the version of our partner we hoped they would become.
We grieve the fact that they are a separate person with different habits, priorities, and ways of seeing the world.
That doesn't mean we like it. It doesn't mean we stop asking for what we need. It means we stop fighting reality.
Ironically, acceptance often gives us more peace than continuing to wage a battle we can't win.
Of course, not everything belongs in the "just accept it" category.
There are issues that shouldn't simply be tolerated—abuse, repeated betrayal, addiction without accountability, or chronic unwillingness to work on the relationship.
Those are very different from socks on the floor or a dishwasher loaded differently than you would.
Sometimes acceptance isn't the answer. Sometimes the answer is deciding that the relationship no longer aligns with your values or needs.
But even then, that's still a choice which is change.
One of the ideas I often return to in therapy is that we are more empowered when we focus on what is within our control.
For example, we can communicate honestly. We can stand up to our partner with love. We can make requests. We can decide how we respond.
We can choose whether to stay, leave, or accept what we cannot change.
However, we can't control our partner or make them just like us.
But we can choose how we show up in the relationship. In the end, that's where our greatest power has always been.
Learn more about our couples therapy offerings along the Front Range.