All relationships cycle through three phases: Harmony, Disharmony, and Repair.
Synonyms for the Harmony phase are connection, intimacy and passion, while those for the Disharmony phase are disconnection and pain.
Couples Counseling can help with:
You two spending more time in Harmony.
Spending less time in Disharmony – and the intensity is not as high.
And help you both provide quick, effective repair to move back into Harmony.
Jason will break down the 10 tips within this framework.
Tips for maintaining Harmony:
1). Connect with a hug or a kiss before you leave – know one thing your partner is doing that day before you leave.
2). Connect with a hug or kiss when you two reunite after the day.
- Here’s a video of the Welcome Home exercise demonstrating this.
- Invite your partner to share about their day.
- Find other things to ask your partner besides how was your day?
3). Go on a date and schedule separate times to discuss the relationship.
I know from experience that if you’re not feeling connected to your partner, their natural annoyances will be loud.
For example, if I’m not feeling connected to Jess (my wife), I’ll be keenly aware of her imperfections, and vice versa, because we all have them.
One of my favorite quotes about relationships is:
“Intimacy is not something you have, but something you do.” – Terry Real
This is an excellent reminder because if you two have been together for a while, possibly married with kids, it doesn’t mean the work of the relationship is done.
Scheduling time to talk about the relationship has been called “The State of the Union Meeting” by relationship expert John Gottman.
I love this idea because it gives you both space to share things you may not have been able to address during a busy week.
And just like in businesses, couples need regular meetings to make sure the relationship is functioning at its best.
Here are other check-in options if the State of the Union one is too much.
Weekly check-in. Here’s a template for some questions:
- Today, I am grateful for _______.
- Share something on your mind (ideally, a feeling or part of one).
- Share a request of your partner.
- Express an affirmation or appreciation of your partner.
Or,
- What felt good today?
- What felt hard today?
- What do you need from me right now?
That is from a popular post:
Tips for less Disharmony:
4). Understand the underlying dynamics of your fights.
Attachment theory can be helpful here. It helps partners understand their reflexes about connection and separation.
For example, one partner may have a natural reflex toward more connection and may pursue, while the other has one toward more space and may avoid.
This dynamic can cause a great deal of disharmony and pain if it’s not understood and addressed.
Identifying this negative pattern is one benefit of couples counseling. A couples counselor can help you understand this underlying dynamic.
We’ve started the process for you.
Take the Relationship Quiz below (in the footer) and read the custom emails for your style.
5). Know how to get out of those dynamics and negative cycles.
A simple but not easy way to get out of an argument or conflict is to request appropriate space or a time out.
As you know, if we’re really upset or angry and interact in that state, we will have to apologize for everything we say or do later.
A time out or taking appropriate space is a good way to make it so there’s less to apologize for.
6). Know how to prevent disharmony and do it.
Knowing what you can do on your end is essential to prevent disharmony.
One way is to know how to care for your attachment reflexes while being relational.
For example, if you have a reflex for space, you take appropriate space – saying you need some time and sharing when you’ll be back.
Conversely, if you desire more connection, request it and share how not receiving it makes you feel. Don’t demand connection, or it will have the opposite effect.
Repair
7). Give A+ apologies
No one is perfect, and you must apologize for something you have done in your relationship.
Here’s an A+ apology:
- Acknowledge what you did. E.g., “I’m sorry I did ____.”
- Convey how it felt for your partner. E.g., “I imagine that must’ve felt ____ (horrible, frustrating, etc.).”
- Share your plan to avoid the action in the future. E.g., “I’m working on avoiding this.”
8). Vulnerability
Vulnerability is vital in relationships because it’s the foundation of emotional intimacy.
It can be used to repair because it gives your partner something to connect with. (Jason wrote a blog specifically on this.)
You’re leading with an olive branch, not a sword. In the repair context, vulnerability means sharing what lay beneath the anger.
9). Use the Feedback Wheel.
Here's a PDF of it.
This is a communication tool in which being a speaker and a listener are two distinct but equally important roles.
When you speak using this tool, you speak from a centered place with the intention of helping your partner improve things.
As a listener, you practice active listening with the intention of allowing your partner to be heard.
It’s not easy to practice this, and often couples need support and practice doing so.
10). Know your partner is generally trying their best.
What we mean is that we don’t wake up with the intention of upsetting our partner.
For example, I don’t have a notebook listing all the ways I can annoy my wife, and I pick one each morning to work on.
Generally, we operate automatically, and we often inadvertently upset our partners.
This doesn’t mean we don’t work on what our partner has asked of us. We do, but we also need to extend some grace and find ways to help our partner come through for us.
If you do these 10 things, you’ll be on the right track to fixing your relationship and finding more time for Harmony and connection.
For personalized help, visit our Colorado Relationship Recovery homepage to learn more about how couples counseling can help you.