Intro

All relationships encounter conflict and challenges.

If couples never experience conflict, that can become a problem, as one or both partners may be avoiding it and not living authentically.

It’s crucial to focus on minimizing conflict in your relationship, and it’s equally important to resolve issues quickly and effectively after conflict arises, also known as repair.

What does it mean to repair?

In this context, repairing means restoring the relationship. It involves resolving conflict and restoring the relationship to a state of connection and harmony.

As a couples therapist, I’ve found that there are two primary impediments to repair.

1) Our ego

2) Knowing how to

I’ll address our ego first. 

When we’re really mad, we may think and feel: “It’s not me who’s wrong, it’s my partner. If only they knew, thought, or did ____.”

In this mindset, we believe it’s not us who needs to repair the situation; rather, it’s our partner who should take the initiative. 

I’ve seen couples wait months to address issues, or avoid them altogether, and they move on with unresolved problems swept under the rug.

When too much is swept under the rug, couples often become distant and withdrawn from one another, or they may quickly snap at each other, essentially perceiving the other as an insensitive jerk.

When couples are here, it’s often a problem of a lack of repair.

Therefore, we must overcome our ego and initiate the repair. This is easier said than done—I know from experience.

I often think of one of my favorite quotes from Terry Real: 

“The relational answer to who’s right and who’s wrong is who cares. What can we do to fix this?”

When my wife and I are stuck in this ego impasse, I often think about our kids. 

Our kids deserve better; they deserve a household where their parents communicate and resolve issues together in a collaborative manner.  

They also deserve repair from us when we’re snappy, judgmental, or yell at them—but that’s another topic…

When I think about this, it helps me get over my ego and initiate repair with my wife. 

Also, what motivates me is that it really sucks being cold and snappy toward each other. So, not only do our kids deserve better, but I deserve better too.

How do we repair?

I’m also going to break down repair into two categories.

1) In the moment

2) After a fight

In the example above about my wife and me, I was referring to #2 after the fight, when we are icy and withdrawn from each other.

1) In the moment

The good news is that we can prevent reaching the icy, withdrawn stage after a fight if we repair the situation in the moment.

For example, if I notice my wife looking hurt or frustrated while I’m speaking to her, I can repair immediately. 

Such as moving towards her to offer a hug or gentle touch, while saying something like, “I didn’t mean it like that.” Or “I love you so much, I know we’ll get through this.”

Repairing in the moment requires me to be aware of how my words and actions may affect her, and then I communicate through words or actions (moving towards her, smiling, tilting my head in a non-condescending way) that we’re on the same team.

2) After a fight

Say I don’t do that, or my best intentions to repair in the moment don’t work, and we end in frustration, and we’ve moved into icy withdrawal.

Good apology

I can offer a sincere apology if I’m aware and feel one is warranted. Here’s how to do it:

1) Acknowledge what you did. For example, “I’m sorry about ____”

2) Convey how that must have felt for your partner. “When I did that, that must have felt ____.”

3) For a bonus, share how you plan to avoid that. “I’m working on avoiding or doing more of ____.”

Vulnerability

Another simple way is to lead with vulnerability. You might think that leading with an apology isn’t appropriate here, but when you share what lies beneath your anger—specifically, your vulnerability—you provide your partner with something to connect to, thus creating an opportunity for connection.

For example, when ____ happened, I felt ____ (hurt, sad, frustrated, lonely). If you lead with this vulnerability, you’re providing an invitation for dialogue and not blame, assuming your partner responds well to this initiation.

Feedback Wheel

Lastly, if you want to address an incident or issue while working toward a resolution, using the Feedback Wheel is one effective method.

Essentially, what you are doing in this process is staying on your side. You’re not blaming; you’re simply expressing how the incident or issue felt for you. Additionally, you’re providing your partner with a way to improve the situation by sharing a request.

If you two agree to use the Feedback Wheel, the listener must listen and convey back what you heard without defending or sharing a rebuttal. You are listening to make things better.

Here's a quick video on that.

Conclusion

Repair is the heartbeat of a healthy relationship.

It’s not about avoiding conflict, but about how we come back together after we’ve stumbled.

The courage to repair—whether in the moment or after a rupture—requires humility, emotional awareness, and a willingness to prioritize connection over our ego.

It’s hard, and our egos may resist it. But when we do (and now we know how), it’s one of the most loving things we can do for ourselves, our partners, and our families.