*This blog was inspired by one of my mentors, Terry Real.
The issue
In a heteronormative relationship, the female partner often wants the male partner to share feelings and emotions more.
We males are usually not raised or encouraged by our culture to share these.
Males often take a logical approach to feelings. As a result, we (males) may assume, “What’s the point of sharing feelings? What good does it do?”
If we weren’t encouraged to share them growing up, we don’t have the experience of benefiting from it, and so we tend not to.
And because we don’t have the experience of any benefits from sharing feelings, we don’t see the utility in doing so.
It’s as if we are raised to cut off part of ourselves – the feeling part.
We overvalue traditional masculine traits such as logic, invulnerability, and self-reliance, to name a few.
And we usually devalue and look down on traditionally feminine values such as emotion, vulnerability, and dependence.
This is very unfortunate for us males in our society, because it prevents us from being full people – logical, strong, AND emotional, and vulnerable.
And one issue this causes is that the female partner often wants her male partner to share their feelings more, but it’s an issue because males only know and value the logical and invulnerable side.
How to change that
The first way to change that is for us males to believe there’s a payoff to sharing emotions and feelings. But we can only get there by experiencing it.
That is why individual therapy can be beneficial for males – sharing what’s real and feeling understood and connected as a result, thus reducing shame associated with sharing feelings.
What can also help is for males to become more aware of their feelings, for example, by keeping a feelings log or practicing mindfulness of their inner experience.
Then males can start sharing snippets of what’s going on with them day to day.
What can stop males from doing so
One thing that can get in the way is if the male partner shares their feelings and the female partner tells them it is wrong.
A common scenario is that a male partner starts to share something their partner is doing that they don’t appreciate.
Then the female partner defends herself and dismisses her male partner.
The male partner then thinks, “What’s the point of sharing what I’m feeling in the future?” or “I knew that was a bad idea.”
For female partners, if your male partner is trying this after you have asked them to open up, first be curious when they share what’s going on, even if it’s disappointment with you. Then you can share your perspective from a centered place.
Hopefully, then your male partner will share their feelings more naturally with you – ones that aren’t disappointment with you.
My hope
My hope is that men can incorporate both masculine and feminine traits and be flexible enough to discern which traits to bring forth in each moment.
For example, men may need to be assertive at work and open and soft with our family when we get home.
Then we will begin to learn that we don’t have to cut off part of ourselves; we can be whole people, experiencing more joy and better emotional and physical health.
Opening up can start with a single honest sentence about what you’re feeling, even if it feels awkward at first.
When that honesty is met with curiosity and care, sharing feelings can help you feel closer to each other, fostering emotional intimacy and connection.
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