(Communications Tools Part 2)
Intro
Perhaps the most fundamental shift a couple can make is moving from a power-over dynamic to a power-with dynamic.
The reason is that marriage is like a three-legged race. Couples must go together in order to get what they want.
You’re tied together whether you like it or not. And so you must move together and share power.
In other words, power-with means movement together.
Let me explain…
Power-with vs Power-over
Power-over entails exerting control, dismissing your partner, and getting them to do something because you feel entitled to it. It uses blame, defensiveness, or pressure.
Or it includes not telling your partner if you plan to do something that could harm the relationship. It’s like, “I’m entitled to do what I want.”
Of course, we can do what we want, but if a decision could negatively affect our partner and family, we have to slow down and get our partner's buy-in.
Marriage is a three-legged race.
Even if we need to act quickly, such as making an investment, if it affects my wife, I need to get her input.
Like a three-legged race, it’s going to be more challenging to get where we want to go if I’m dragging my wife along, and from her perspective, being dragged along doesn’t feel good.
Power-with is about collaboration — teamwork, empathy, and curiosity.
It asks, “What can I do on my side to support my teammate (partner) in this race?”
Why Control Backfires
Even if you "get" your partner to do something through control or pressure, it comes at a cost.
Partners who feel controlled (like being dragged in the three-legged race) eventually become resentful, withdrawn, and less willing to be emotionally or physically intimate.
Relationships should be democracies, not a dictatorship of one.
What Power-with Creates
When couples shift to power-with, the emotional tone of the relationship softens.
They feel emotionally safer — and safety is the prerequisite for intimacy, openness, and sexual connection.
Power-with doesn't just feel better. It's more effective. It's how couples get unstuck, rebuild trust, and move forward together.
When we mess up:
Say I’ve been trying to drag my partner along in the three-legged race, or I insulted them or made them feel bad.
In order to get where we wish to go, we have to fix that and repair it.
Repair
Repair is the heartbeat of a healthy relationship, and it's about how you come back together after you've stumbled.
The Two Barriers to Repair
1) Our Ego
It’s easy to think that we’re right and our partner is wrong, so they need to repair. But if you want to move forward, this ego impasse will keep us stuck.
A useful reframe is to ask yourself who else is affected when the repair is not made, and you two remain in icy withdrawal or conflict?
Some examples include your children, your family, and yourself. Everyone benefits when you two are moving together as a team.
2) Not Knowing How
Many couples want to repair, but they simply haven't been given the tools. Here's how.
Repairing In the Moment
The best repair happens before conflict fully erupts.
If you notice your partner looks hurt while you're talking, you can move toward them — with a gentle touch or a softened tone — and say something like, "I didn't mean it like that" or "We'll get through this."
Repairing in the moment requires awareness of how your words and actions are landing and a willingness to signal that we're still on the same team.
If you two are good at this, then not much can stop you from “winning the race.”
Repairing After a Fight
If you've moved into withdrawal and cold silence, here are two proven pathways back.
The Good Apology
Acknowledge what you did: "I'm sorry about ___"
Name how it must have felt: "When I did that, that must have felt ___"
(Bonus) Share what you're working on: "I'm working on doing more of ___"
That second step — naming the impact, not just the act — is what makes an apology feel real.
Vulnerability
Leading with what's beneath your anger — hurt, sadness, fear, loneliness — gives your partner something to connect with rather than defend against. Vulnerability invites dialogue. Blame provokes walls.
"When ___ happened, I felt ___ (hurt, sad, scared, lonely)."
Conclusion
At the end of the day, the goal isn’t to win the argument—it’s to win the race together.
And in a three-legged race, winning doesn’t come from pulling harder or moving faster on your own.
It comes from slowing down enough to get in sync. From paying attention to your partner’s pace, adjusting when needed, and staying connected even when you stumble.
You’re going to step on each other’s feet sometimes. You’re going to lose rhythm.
That’s not the problem.
The problem is that you stay out of sync because pride, hurt, or silence keeps you from repairing the relationship.
And when you repair, stay curious, and treat each other like teammates, you get to where both want to go faster.
If you'd like guidance to help you win your race, set up a free consultation today!
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