If there currently isn’t much sex in your relationship, first you’re not alone. Kara Hoppe, who I interviewed on my podcast, talked about how couples often find themselves in “the winter” regarding their sex life – especially after birth of their first kid.

The first step to having more sex is talking about it together.

Before you two do that, I want you to journal and reflect on some questions below. With some of your responses, you’ll be encouraged to share them with your partner.

1) What does sex mean to me?

2) How do I handle rejection?

• For example, do I throw a fit, blame, or shame?
• Or, am I OK even though I don’t like the result, and I'm able to remember that my partner is taking care of their self by having a boundary?

The latter is the best and this is playing the long game which can eventually lead to more sex. Throwing a fit, blaming or shaming will make it so you won’t have more sex – those aren't seductive as you know.

*Important equation*

This was coined by Nicole Colleen who’s a sex therapist and coach that also was interviewed on my podcast.

She shared this equation: Patience – Pressure = Pleasure.

If we have patience and address this issue collaboratively – without pressure – we will begin to experience pleasure.

3) How do I define sex?

4) What are acceptable forms of romance and pleasure (snuggling, sensual touch, etc.) if sex is not in the cards now?

• For example, maybe there’s a new child or you two are adjusting to being parents.

5) What did I learn about sex growing up? Important question!

6) What do I get out of sex?

1. Is it to be desired?
2. The physical affection?
3. Orgasm?
4. Release?
5. Or all of the above?
6. Others?

7) When the feeling and emotion of sexual desire comes up, how do I relate to it?

1. Do I feed it?
2. Do I repress it?
3. Do I simply become aware and curious of it? (this is a healhty response BTW…)

8) What do I think are some reasons why me or my partner is less into sex now (if that’s the case)?

9) Can I grieve the fact that we may currently be in “the winter” regarding sex, and can I appreciate what I’m currently getting and what we’re working towards?

10) Ask your partner if it holds true for you:

“For me, sex is a great way to connect with you, is there anything I can do to make it so we can begin to have sex?”

*Note that the above question ended on a request. A request can make it a collaborative discussion. A request is the opposite of a complaint.

11) When appropriate, share with your partner your response to questions #3, #4, #5 & #6 and ask your partner to share their responses with you.

These self-reflections and collaborative interactive questions are a great start to start having more sex. Remember, the first step to having more sex is talking about it!