Intro
Sex is a way to connect in a vulnerable, intimate way. It creates closeness and feelings of love.
This sort of intimacy is not readily available for males outside of sex in our culture.
A problem
Culturally, us males are not encouraged to be vulnerable and pursue emotional intimacy in relationships, so sex is sometimes the only way to do so.
This can create a rub because the female partner (using a heterosexual example here) is generally more open to sex if there is emotional intimacy and safety in the relationship.
If the female partner doesn’t feel emotionally connected, they are usually not as interested in sex.
At the same time, males feel that connection with sex and often don’t know how to or want to initiate emotional intimacy.
The fix
This is where a couples therapist can guide you through this discrepancy.
A sex therapist, Janelle Washburne once told our team in a consultation, “Sexual issues are relationship issues.”
And she shared this frame that I use when helping couples navigate sexual discrepancies.
A wedding cake
Imagine a tiered wedding cake. This cake represents the different layers of intimacy.
But first, we need a table to put the cake on before building it. This table represents trust, commitment, and safety, which are essential for building intimacy.
When the table is there, the first tier is emotional intimacy.
What is emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy involves sharing our vulnerability and authenticity while hearing and validating those of our partner.
It also involves sharing our feelings, fears, and imperfections while understanding and validating those of our partner.
When the emotional intimacy tier is there, it’s easier to put physical intimacy on top of that.
Why do we start with emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy is how you know your partner and how your partner knows you. (If you have trouble knowing your feelings, check out this blog to learn how to cultivate that).
When we don’t know what’s going on with our partner, we assume. When we assume, we assume in the negative.
For example, if my wife doesn’t talk to me, I don’t think she’s just thinking about how much she loves me…
It’s the opposite. I wonder what did I do? Or, what’s the problem?
That's one reason emotional intimacy is so important.
Emotional intimacy and vulnerability
Emotional intimacy also includes sharing what lies beneath our anger.
What are the vulnerable feelings that your anger is protecting?
For example, “I felt forgotten when you called your mom instead of me.”
If we feel resentment or anger towards our partner, we are less likely to be sexually intimate with them.
Also, practicing emotional intimacy is an excellent place to start for males who are cut off from this way of connecting.
Imagine feeling closeness and love without having to rely on sex from your partner.
Physical and sexual intimacy
When emotional intimacy exists, the next tier of the wedding cake is physical intimacy. This involves initiating and appreciating non-sexual touch, such as handholding, hugging, and cuddling.
Finally, when those two tiers are there, let’s put sexual intimacy on top.
Couples who have created the intimacy and safety to talk about sex are more likely to have sex that creates feelings of connection and love.
There's space for questions like: what makes you more open to sex?
What gets in the way?
What are things that turn you on?
What turns your partner on?
Conclusion
In relationships, building trust and emotional and physical intimacy is the foundation for a fulfilling sexual connection.
By envisioning intimacy as a wedding cake, with trust and safety as the table, emotional intimacy as the base tier, and physical and sexual intimacy as the upper tiers, couples create a loving and connected partnership.
For males, embracing emotional vulnerability is especially vital to fostering closeness beyond the bedroom.
Ultimately, creating this layered intimacy ensures a relationship that has understanding, connection, and sex.
Learn more about how Colorado Relationship Recovery guides couples to more intimacy.