Intro: Our partner is different, and we picked them...
There’s going to be conflict in our relationships because our partner has a different history, background, perspective, and personality. That's why we picked them, we were attracted to that.
However, we may not always see things the same way our partner does.
The goals: when there’s conflict, to limit the frequency and, most importantly, the intensity, and be quick to repair.
It’s important to use our inherent differences to enhance the relationship and maintain vitality.
Self-Regulation
When you face a difference, disagreement, or conflict, before speaking, consider your motivation—am I trying to improve the situation or just vent frustration?
There’s nothing inherently wrong with venting frustration, but if it’s about your partner, the more you go on, the more likely it is to lead to conflict.
There’s a limit to how much frustration venting about them our partner can handle.
Another question is: do you want to vent or work toward a solution? You can’t do both at the same time.
That’s why self-regulation is so important. Although anger can fuel assertiveness, communicating in anger causes our partner to react to the emotion (anger), not the content.
Again, we need to ask ourselves (which is regulating), why are we communicating? Are we seeking improvement, or are we just criticizing?
Communication Strategies
When we are regulated, we can use communication tools and strategies.
When we are not regulated and feel triggered, in that state of mind, we ignore communication tools. We focus on self-preservation rather than our partner or the relationship.
Here are some communication tools:
- Stay on Your Side of the Street: Focus on your feelings and experiences instead of making broad accusations or character judgments (e.g., avoid "you always" or "you never").
- Avoid Assumptions: Don’t claim to know what your partner is thinking; this often leads to defensiveness.
- Use Requests, Not Criticism: Criticism is unhelpful; requests guide your partner toward positive change – they help your partner help you.
- The Feedback Wheel Tool: Keeps communication centered on your own experience and needs, which helps reduce defensiveness. This is the Feedback Wheel:
- Share the incident or issue.
- Express what you thought or made up about it.
- State how you feel.
- Communicate what you would like to happen.
Repairing after Conflict
Repairing after conflicts is essential because disagreements are inevitable—no two individuals always see things exactly the same way.
When disagreements escalate into conflict, we need to repair.
To repair effectively, we need to be self-regulated, meaning we should avoid trying to resolve issues when we are emotionally triggered.
Approaching repair with softness, openness, and vulnerability is essential; leading with defensiveness or anger will not lead to repair, it will continue the conflict.
Here are some tools for repair:
Vulnerability: Sharing what’s below our anger. These emotions foster connection and understanding.
Good Apology: Acknowledge what you did, explain how it might have affected others, and share how you plan to improve.
Listen to make things better: During repair, when we are listening, it is important to give understanding to our partner. This means acknowledging our partner's perspective, even when we disagree with it.
We should strive to understand our partner as much as we wish to be understood ourselves.
It may also be necessary to consider different viewpoints without demanding full agreement, acknowledging that relationships can stay strong even with disagreements.
The Important of Agreements
How can couples navigate persistent disagreements?
Quick answer: have agreements.
The idea of agreements is about what we will do to ensure that this issue (because we don’t agree on it) doesn’t lead to intense conflict when it arises. Agreements are also proactive steps you both take to prevent it from coming up.
For example, regarding mess: we agree to share chores equally, and for each one, we agree on the standards of cleanliness for what it means to have completed that chore.
If our partner doesn't finish the chore, we might say, "I thought this was our agreement?" Not, you are so lazy...
Timeouts, the last line of defense:
One way to avoid intense conflict is by calling a timeout.
Timeouts are the last-ditch effort when we are triggered.
It means that if we keep going like this when triggered, nothing nothing positive will come of it, so we'll agree to end this conversation. For more on timeouts, visit this link.
Conclusion
Every couple disagrees and argues.
The presence of conflict doesn’t determine the success of a relationship. It’s how you handle it that matters.
The real work is learning to regulate yourself when you’re triggered. It’s remembering that your partner is not your enemy; they didn’t wake up on a mission to upset you.
When you slow down and ask, “Am I trying to improve this, or just release pressure and vent?” you change the trajectory of the conversation.
When you speak from your experience rather than attacking theirs, you create space for repair rather than escalation.
And when you’re willing to apologize—not just to end the argument, but to truly acknowledge impact—you rebuild trust.
Healthy relationships aren’t built on sameness. They’re built on two different people learning how to stay connected despite their differences.
It’s about having agreements to spend less time in conflict and knowing how to repair when it occurs.
CTA
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