Intro
I did that [mean behavior] because you did that one thing I thought was mean.
Do you or your partner do this?
If so, congratulations (not really). When not at your best, you or your partner uses the losing strategy of retaliation.
What is retaliation?
Retaliation is you made me feel bad, so I’m going to make you feel bad.
The reason why it’s a losing strategy is that it keeps you two in a negative pattern and leaves the relationship disconnected.
What it doesn’t do
Retaliation does not prime your partner for more closeness and connection. It also doesn’t protect you from frustration or hurt.
It’s a poor way to teach your partner. To illustrate, I’m going to show you how this hurt feels, in hopes that you avoid that behavior in the future.
In fact, it’s a mean way to teach.
If your partner avoids a certain behavior after you have retaliated, “taught them,” the chances of your partner building resentment increase.
They could also start to fear your responses, which does not foster openness and forthcomingness. This may cause you to move into another losing strategy, control.
If taken to the extreme, it can put you in the stance of an authoritarian dictator, where you have a set of rules and dole out punishment if they are broken.
If your partner goes along with this, they may adopt a passive-submissive stance and not truly be open to you or be their true self.
As a result, you don’t have a truly authentic partner; you have compliance, a less happy partner, and more disconnection in the relationship.
In RLT, we use the term Stance, Stance = Dance.
The disconnection dance here is Authoritarian Dictator meets Passive-submissive Subject. Not a very enjoyable dance.
If they don’t go along with the Authoritarian Dictator stance, your partner’s stance may be that of a resistant rebel, fighting you at every opportunity, which can lead to more stress and a dance of disconnection in the relationship.
When engaging in retaliation, you are trying to feel better in the moment at the expense of getting better.
It is an eye-for-an-eye approach to relationships that keeps you two in a negative pattern and leaves the relationship disconnected.
As one couples therapist, Belinda Real, has said, “It’s a perverse form of communication.”
I’m going to hurt you so you know how it felt when you hurt me.
Something different
Perhaps this was a means of communication you experienced growing up. Maybe your parent(s) took some of your child-like behaviors personally.
For example, thinking that if you, as a kid, didn’t listen, it meant you didn’t respect them, then your parent tries to hurt you (emotionally/physically) to get that respect. Which, as you know, only builds resentment.
If this form of communication was experienced and modeled growing up, you may do the same.
If so, it’s important to recognize this is a reflex, and now it’s your responsibility to respond as the mature, wise adult you are.
Because if you do, you will feel better and get more of what you really want in the relationship – closeness, less disconnection.
You will also get something you may not want. Less self-protection, or invlunerability when your partner lets you down or when you don’t get what you want.
So, something different is to start working with the anger that’s protecting your hurt feelings.
Can you speak as a representative of the anger, and not from it?
This is challenging and is the practice of a wise adult.
Simply put, it sounds like, “When you did [that one behavior] that hurt, I would like you not to do that again.”
There’s also a difference between saying from a centered, calm place, “I’m angry with you,” than yelling from an uncentered place, “I’M ANGRY WITH YOU!”
Your partner can hear the former. They can hear when you reach for the feeling below your anger and share that.
Instead of retaliating and triggering their hurt and then their defenses, you allow them to understand and feel your hurt if they are open to it.
If you request at the end of your statement, you are also helping them help you. For example, “I would like you not to do that again.”
That approach makes it much more likely that you will get what you want and that they will hear you.
Conclusion
Conceptually, this makes sense; it’s not easy to do. If you grew up in an angry, retaliating household, you have your work cut out for you.
But by fostering the wise-adult part of you, you can do something more relational that could actually begin to heal the younger, hurt parts of you.
Learn more about marriage counseling in Denver, or in Colorado Springs.