Intro
If you’ve ever wondered what really happens inside a couples therapist’s office—or what drives someone to pursue this intense, emotional, life-changing career—this blog is for you.
I (Jason) recently sat down with one of our superstar therapists at Colorado Relationship Recovery, Brandon Schwartz, to talk about his path into therapy, why he loves working with couples, and how Relational Life Therapy (RLT) shapes his work.
What unfolded was a meaningful discussion about healing, accountability, and transforming the relational patterns we inherit.
How Brandon Found His Way Into Therapy
Brandon’s origin story started in middle school, during a painful period of bullying that led to depression, self-harm, and thoughts of suicide. His parents got him into therapy, and something shifted almost immediately.
His therapist asked him to write a three-page list of personal values—his own rules for living, not the “shoulds” imposed by others. He taped it to his wall and read it every morning. That practice became foundational.
- It strengthened his sense of identity.
- It created psychological boundaries.
- It helped him feel safe being himself.
It also planted the seed for his future career. As Brandon describes, “It felt like she opened up my world—and I wanted to do the same for others.”
There was a family thread too: his grandfather was a marriage and family therapist who always told him, “You’re observing the world differently. You’re built for this.”
Turns out, he was right.
Falling in Love with Couples Therapy
Brandon didn’t go into graduate school thinking he would work with couples. But during a clinical internship, a supervisor noticed how his mind worked—systemically, relationally, analytically—and encouraged him to move into couples work.
His first couples session sealed it:
“I fell in love with it immediately.”
Why couples?
- Every session is different. Even with the same couple, the emotional landscape shifts.
- Everything is connected. You can start anywhere and land somewhere important.
- The work feels spiritual. When he drops into his heart, “the world fades away, and it’s just me and the couple.”
That heart-centered presence is the core of his work—and it aligns beautifully with the RLT model.
What Is Relational Life Therapy (RLT)?
RLT, created by bestselling author and renowned family therapist Terry Real, is a powerful, straightforward, and deeply compassionate approach to couples therapy.
It teaches couples how to foster passionate connection, fierce intimacy, and relational maturity.
Unlike more traditional models that stay neutral or focus primarily on communication skills, RLT:
- Names each partner’s part clearly and directly (but with care).
- Breaks the cycle of shame and grandiosity that keeps couples stuck.
- Aims for a dramatic transformation in a relatively short time.
- Helps people reconnect with themselves and then with their partner.
RLT is active, honest, and focused on change. As the Relational Life Institute emphasizes, RLT therapists aren’t passive observers—we’re engaged allies who help couples transform entrenched patterns into healthier, more loving ways of relating.
The RLT Skills Brandon Uses with Couples
1. Joining Through the Truth
Brandon doesn’t beat around the bush with clients.
He gently, clearly, and compassionately names what’s happening in the relationship — even when it hurts. That’s because naming the truth is an act of love in RLT. It provides people with the moment that many of us missed while growing up.
"Here’s how you’re hurting yourself and the person you love. You can keep doing it... or we can work on changing it."
Brandon often puts it to couples this way:
"I stand between the life you want and the life you don’t want. You get to choose which way we go."
2. Second-Order Change
In RLT, the goal isn’t just skill-building—it’s identity building.
First-order change = behavior change: “Say it this way instead.”
Second-order change = transformation: “Who do I want to be in this relationship?”
RLT teaches partners to step out of helplessness and into responsibility:
- I’m not a victim.
- I have agency.
- I can interrupt inherited patterns.
- I can create something better.
The Feedback Wheel: One of RLT’s Most Practical Tools
One of the most powerful communication tools in RLT is the Feedback Wheel, a structured, emotionally safe way to express something difficult without blame or escalation.
The Four Steps of the Feedback Wheel (Speaker Role)
When giving feedback, you guide your partner through these four steps:
- What I experienced
- The concrete behavior or words you saw/heard.
- What I made up about it
- The story your mind created (owning that it’s your interpretation).
- How I feel about it
- The genuine emotions underneath.
- What I would like
- An explicit, doable request that moves the relationship forward.
How it sounds in action:
- “What I experienced: I heard your voice get louder… I heard you say my family is crazy…”
- “What I made up: I made up that you’re fed up with me…”
- “How I feel: I feel sad and hopeless…”
- “What I would like: I’d like us to talk about ways to make family time workable.”
This structure helps partners give honest feedback without attack, blame, or character assassination.
The Listener’s Role: The Four Wins
- Own what you can
- “You’re right, I get exasperated…”
- Demonstrate understanding
- Reflect their feelings accurately.
- Do not argue with their experience
- No debating their feelings or perception.
- Respond with generosity
- Offer a collaborative path forward.
This is what healthy accountability sounds like in real time.
It’s structured, relational, and vulnerable—exactly what RLT aims to cultivate.
Work with Brandon
This is was on of my favorite quotes from our conversation. Brandon said:
“This work stops generational patterns. You decide what ends with you. You decide what passes on to your kids.”
That’s why we do this work—not just to help couples fight less, but to help families love better.
If you're reading this and thinking, we need this kind of help, you’re not alone or broken.
Brandon works with couples dealing with:
- Recurring conflict
- Betrayal or distrust
- Disconnection or shutdown
- High conflict paired with deep longing
- Family-of-origin wounds playing out in the partnership
You can go to his scheduling link here.
Listen to the full interview here ⬇️