Intro
Most couples don’t get stuck because they don’t love each other.
They get stuck because they feel misunderstood.
Most relationship conflicts stem from not feeling seen, heard, or taken seriously, rather than the issue itself.
That’s where emotional intelligence becomes essential, and in marriage and long-term relationships, it's crucial.
Emotional intelligence starts with one core truth
Emotional intelligence is rooted in a simple, often uncomfortable reality:
Human experience is subjective.
There is no single, objective reality in relationships.
Everyone experiences the same moment differently based on their history, memories, mood, stress level, attachment style, and emotional state.
Two people can go through the same conversation and end up with completely different interpretations—and both experiences are valid.
Emotionally intelligent partners accept this rather than fight it.
They don’t try to convince their partner that their reality is wrong.
Instead, they become curious about it. They understand how their emotions influence the relationship, how their words are received, and how their actions affect the person they love.
That curiosity is what creates connection.
Below are three emotionally intelligent phrases I often teach couples. They aren’t magic words—but they embody a powerful way of connecting with your partner.
Phrase #1: “I’m curious about where you’re coming from here.”
This is more than just a sentence. It’s a stance.
When we’re curious, we’re seeking understanding—not defending, not correcting, not winning. Curiosity sends a message to your partner:
- You matter.
- Your experience matters.
- I’m open to seeing this through your eyes.
And when we’re trying to understand, we naturally become more collaborative. We stop seeing our partner as an adversary and start viewing them as a teammate.
Curiosity reduces defensiveness. It fosters safety. And safety is the base of productive conversations in relationships.
If you want less conflict and more progress, begin here.
Phrase #2: “I’m sorry for ___, and I know that really ___ for you.”
This is the essence of a meaningful apology.
A good apology has two parts:
- Taking accountability for what you did
- Naming how it affected your partner
Many people stop at the first part—if they get that far. But the second part is what restores the connection.
Saying “I’m sorry I snapped at you” is okay.
I’m sorry I snapped at you, and I know that made you feel dismissed and unimportant. That is healing.
That second part can feel like water in the desert for a relationship.
It requires emotional intelligence because it asks you to step outside your own intent and pay attention to your partner’s impact. Even if you didn’t mean to hurt them, recognizing that you did helps rebuild trust.
You don’t need to agree with their full interpretation to validate their feelings.
Phrase #3: “Who cares who’s right or wrong—what can we do to fix this?”
This one comes from my mentor, Terry Real, and it’s a game-changer.
Couples often get caught up in arguments over who’s right or wrong. And it’s exhausting—for them and everyone who must listen.
When you hold onto your subjective reality as the truth, you generate power struggles instead of solutions. You provoke defensiveness, bickering, and deadlock.
This phrase serves a different purpose.
It recognizes the subjective nature of relationships and steers the conversation toward repair and accountability. It moves the focus from winning to healing.
And let’s be honest—have you ever seen a couple argue about who’s right and wrong and thought, Wow, this looks productive and fun?
Me neither.
Emotional intelligence isn’t about being perfect
It’s about being willing.
Willing to be curious. Willing to take responsibility. Willing to prioritize repair over being right.
These phrases won’t fix everything—but they will improve the emotional tone of your relationship. And when the tone shifts, everything else becomes easier to handle.
If you’re feeling stuck, disconnected, or caught in the same arguments repeatedly, emotional intelligence might be the missing piece.
And the good news?
It’s something you can learn.
If you want help enhancing emotional intelligence in your relationship, Colorado Relationship Recovery is here to support you.