Intro
Even the healthiest couples don’t have perfect communication or conflict-free relationships — what sets them apart is what they avoid.
They know which habits quietly corrode trust, intimacy, and safety.
Avoidance, entitlement, or emotional overreliance can all chip away at connection over time.
Healthy couples don’t strive to eliminate discomfort; they learn to handle it with maturity.
They practice restraint where it matters, self-soothe instead of react, and respect boundaries — theirs and their partner’s.
Here are five things emotionally healthy couples learn not to do.
1. They Don’t Wake Each Other Up to Talk When Upset
Sleep is essential self-care. It restores perspective and helps prevent unnecessary escalation. Healthy couples don’t feel entitled to wake their partner unless it’s an emergency.
If you’re upset because your partner didn’t text back before bed, it’s better to manage that anxiety on your own first.
As couples therapist, Terry Real says, relationships are full of “micro-disappointments,” and part of being an emotionally grounded partner is learning to handle those moments without demanding immediate repair from your partner.
As the saying goes, your partner didn’t make you angry — you made yourself angry.
That awareness is a sign of emotional maturity, not detachment.
2. They Don’t Assume Their Partner Is Trying to Upset or Dismiss Them
This one shows up a lot around clutter, chores, or routines. (Read our blog: Couples Counseling and Your Messy Partner).
“I’ve told you a hundred times to put your shoes away!” can easily spiral into “You don’t respect me.”
But often, it’s not about respect — it’s about different thresholds or priorities.
As the late therapist David Schnarch observed, couples often differ not only in libido but in many types of desire — including the desire for order, cleanliness, or structure.
For someone with ADHD or a racing mind, tidiness might simply not rank as high. Healthy couples remind themselves: different areas of focus and attention doesn't equal disrespect.
3. They Don’t Expect Their Partner to Fix Their Anxiety
Some of us lean “Wave-ish” (check out the relationship style quiz below) — we crave closeness and reassurance when things feel off.
But believing our partner should always soothe our anxiety sets both people up for disappointment and burnout.
Loneliness and disconnection are part of being human. Being okay with those feelings doesn’t mean liking them; it means knowing they’re not fatal.
Healthy couples take responsibility for their emotional regulation by breathing into their feelings, journaling about them, and remembering natural abundance – your peace and worth come from within, and they don't need your partner's validation to exist.
4. They Don’t Use Distance or Avoidance to Calm Anxiety
On the other end of the relationship style spectrum (take quiz below) are the “Island-ish” types — people who pull away when things get tense, convinced that silence or time alone will fix everything.
Phrases like “Can we just move on?” might sound practical, but they often mean “I don’t want to deal with this.”
When avoidance becomes a pattern, one partner feels invisible and the other feels trapped.
Healthy couples know that space is only helpful when it leads to repair — not when it replaces it.
5. They Don’t Think They’re Entitled to Sex
Some partners believe that being married or in a long-term relationship guarantees sexual access. But control never fosters desire — it kills it.
Instead of thinking, “I deserve sex,” healthy couples ask, “What can I do to increase intimacy in our relationship?” They take ownership of their part — creating safety, warmth, and connection — rather than trying to manage their partner’s desire.
Healthy couples see sex as an expression of closeness, not a demand to be met. They know desire grows in freedom, not pressure. Read our blog: From Emotional to Sexual Intimacy: A Guide for Males (and Couples).
Conclusion
Healthy couples don’t get there by being flawless — they get there by being aware and intentional.
They look at their of the see-saw and notice when they’re reacting, personalizing, or withdrawing, and they breath, and pause long enough to choose differently.
They avoid what erodes trust and lean into what builds it: patience, curiosity, and collaboration that honors both partners.
Because in the end, love isn’t sustained by passion alone — it’s sustained by two people willing to grow up together.
If you’d like support putting these ideas into practice, schedule a free consultation or discover your relationship style to start your own growth process.
Learn more about our core offerings: couples therapy & marriage counseling.