Intro
As a couples therapist in Denver, I’ve worked with hundreds of partners who want the same thing — a stronger, more connected, and intimate relationship.
And while every couple’s story is unique, the most important skill they can learn is what I call power with instead of power over.
Power With vs. Power Over
Power with means collaboration. It’s teamwork, kindness, empathy, and curiosity.
Power over, on the other hand, is about control — trying to get your partner to do something because you feel entitled to it.
Here’s a simple example:
“I need sex. Why aren’t you giving me more sex?”
That’s power over. It’s blame. It assumes the problem lies entirely with your partner.
A power with approach sounds more like:
“What can I do on my side to make it more likely that you’d want to have sex with me?”
That shift in mindset changes everything. It turns a power struggle into a partnership.
Check out our blog on this: From Emotional to Sexual Intimacy: A Guide for Males (and Couples).
When Power Over Works — And When It Doesn’t
In sports or business, a power over mentality can work.
You’re trying to win, to dominate, to prove yourself.
But in intimate relationships, that same mindset does not. You can’t win against your partner and still win with them.
Using power over in your relationship is like saying, “Let’s solve our differences by agreeing with me and my version.”
It’s a losing strategy.
As therapist Terry Real says, the relational answer to who’s right and who’s wrong is: who cares? What can we do to fix this?
That’s power with in action — curiosity instead of criticism, connection instead of control.
Control: A Losing Strategy
Just as needing to be right is a losing strategy rooted in power over, control is another similar one.
The essence of control is about getting your partner to do something.
The problem with control is that no one wants to be controlled. No one signs up for a relationship to be controlled by their partner.
Even if you "get" your partner to do something through control, it will eventually lead to resentment or withdrawal; they will be less open and less willing to be intimate.
Partners must share power because relationships are democracies of two, not a dictatorship of one.
What Power With Creates in a Relationship
When couples start to practice power with, everything softens. The tone shifts.
The relationship feels emotionally secure again — and safety is the foundation of intimacy.
When you feel emotionally safe, you’re more likely to feel open, affectionate, and sexually connected.
That’s why I often tell my clients in couples therapy that power with isn’t just “nice.” It’s effective. It’s how couples get unstuck, repair after conflict, and rebuild trust.
The Trap of Power Over
Of course, power over can be tempting when you’re angry. Maybe you call your partner lazy or criticize them to make a point, or get them to do something.
You might feel better for a moment — but it’s a hollow victory.
You’ve sacrificed connection to be right or to control.
Power over approach is: I’ll feel better now, even if our relationship suffers.
Power with is: Let’s feel better together.
The Takeaway
If you’re trying to build a healthy relationship, whether you’re married, dating, or somewhere in between, remember this: love isn’t a competition. It’s a collaboration.
When you orient toward power with, you stop fighting to be right and start working to be on the same side.
You create space for empathy, understanding, and growth — and that’s when relationships truly thrive.
If you and your partner are having trouble finding balance, we offer couples therapy in Denver and throughout Colorado.
It’s not about who's right and who's wrong; it’s about learning how to work together again.