Intro

We all know relationships are challenging at times.

And it's not clear to know when our problems have reached the point where we need professional help.

Here are 6 signs it's time for couples therapy.

1. Constantly fighting.

No one likes to fight.

A small thing may spoil a night out. I see this often. For example, “We were having such a good night, then we started arguing over who cleaned the counters last, and then our night was ruined.”

Or, couples may find themselves in big fights on core issues that never seem to disappear (common examples: money, sex, mess, and in-laws).

Couples therapy is effective here because couples need to understand more about what triggers each partner. Usually, there’s a deeper cycle under the fighting that couples therapists make explicit to give couples a roadmap out of.

2. Constantly avoiding.

This can be worse than constantly fighting. At least when you’re fighting, you’re communicating.

This is a big problem because when we don’t know what’s going on with our partner, we make things up. And when we make things up, it’s always negative.

For example, if I don’t know where my wife is mentally, I don’t think, “She must be reflecting on how much she loves me…”

No, I think the worst.

If couples have gotten used to avoiding, there’s no outlet to disprove such thoughts. This is a very difficult and painful situation for couples.

If you two find yourselves here, couples therapy is recommended ASAP.

3. There’s deep resentment, and it’s shared contemptuously.

If we resent our partner, we don’t give them the benefit of the doubt. Then, eventually, we start to view everything they do as a way of being vindictive.

If we contemptuously share our resentment, our partner begins reacting to that energy by defending themselves or giving it back to us. 

Contemptuous sharing does not make our partner more receptive. Then, what’s behind our resentment never gets properly acknowledged, validated, and worked through.

4. There’s mistrust.

There may be good reasons for mistrust in your relationship. However, if it’s not properly addressed, it can create more problems.

Mistrust creates uneasiness and anxiety. 

To deal with that anxiety, we may become detectives or constantly question our partner. 

Without agreements on how to work through mistrust, couples find it difficult to be in a difficult place.

5. You don’t make time to connect.

Connection prevents a lot of problems.

If you two were to focus on connecting and spending more quality time together, you could probably avoid the need to see a couples therapist.

If we feel connected to our partner, their natural annoyances are not as loud.

For example, if I feel connected with Jess (my wife), I don’t care as much that she left her coat and socks on the floor. I don’t nag or remind her… (Not that I do anyway because it’s not helpful. If I need to bring up the mess, I will in a respectful way, and not if I’m tired).

If we’re feeling connected, I give her the benefit of the doubt. I know she’s super busy and doing her best. 

And I might even do something like picking them up for her...problem solved!

6. You don’t know how to repair after conflict.

Conflict happens in every relationship.

When we know how to repair, we can feel confident when conflict arises.

Repairing means regaining connection. One way to do so is to share what was underlying your anger or frustration.

For example, “I felt ____ (sad, hurt, scared) when ____ (incident) happened.”

This is vulnerability, and you’re leading by offering something for your partner to hear and connect with in the spirit of improving things.

Conclusion

If you identify with any of these six signs, it is wise for you two to seek couples therapy. 

Going to couples therapy does not mean you’re broken or flawed. It's a sign of strength and hope, as you know the relationship can improve, and you’re willing to work on it.

Couples therapy should be required for everyone. 

It’s a great place to learn how to communicate, get on the same page, and work through difficulties. Nothing is more challenging than being in an intimate relationship; we often need help.

Personal disclosure: Jess and I have gone to a lot of couples therapy ourselves and have greatly benefited!

• Learn more here about our couples therapy.