Intro

As couples counselors, we view our service as guiding you two from disconnection to harmony and intimacy. 

We have helped hundreds of couples in the Denver metro area.

Read on to learn what to expect from couples counseling at our agency.

First thing, assess your situation.

In the beginning, we ask questions to understand what is going on. We are assessing how each of you shows up in the relationship.

For example, what are your reflexes when stressed? 

Do you fight, withdraw, or desperately fix?

Then, we look for common patterns or cycles you two get into. 

For example, does one of you tend to withdraw coldly, and then the other angrily pursues? 

Our work together is to solve these disconnection patterns and give you two a way out.

Understand your motivation

In couples counseling, you will be invited to do something different, and if you are on board with the solution to disconnection, we ask you why you are.

This is to make your motivation explicit so you are more likely to end the patterns of disconnection and be proactive in creating connection and intimacy. 

(We know you're motivated, other wise you wouldn't be in the office, we've found it helpful to say out loud).

Ask you about growing up

Our reflexes that lead to our patterns and cycles as a couple stems from our upbringing.

• For example, did your family not discuss emotions and feelings growing up? 

If so, you may have a natural aversion to them, and when your partner talks about them, they may sense withdrawal from you.

• Or were your parents warm and loving and at other times disconnected and aloof? 

If so, you may be preoccupied with connection, or lack thereof, from your partner and may think that it’s unfair you must do all the work to maintain connection in the relationship.

Share insight on where your side of the issues comes from

Framing the origin of such reflexes as coming from what you lived and learned growing up creates empathy and can take some of the shame out of our reflexes.

It also highlights the blind spots that you need to work on because you never learned different growing up.

For example, if you didn’t have heart-to-heart conversations with your parents, you’ll need to start cultivating awareness of your emotions and experience the benefit of sharing them.

Provide you with relationship tools

Once you know your work areas, it’s essential to know what to do instead.

For example, you must cultivate a speaking boundary if you tend to give feedback without a filter. 

If we express feedback with anger (which may have been how your family operated), our partner will be defensive to that anger and will not respond to the content of what you are saying.

Or, if you value space and autonomy, you will need to communicate that to your partner. For example, “I need twenty minutes to unwind; after that, let’s talk and be together.”

Conclusion

Couples counseling allows you and your partner to break unhealthy patterns, understand the roots of your behaviors, and work together to build a stronger, more connected relationship.

Understanding your reflexes and the impact of your upbringing will give you insights into why specific issues arise in your relationship.

With the guidance of a couples counselor, you’ll be provided with the tools necessary to break your disconnection cycles and create more harmony and intimacy.

We all deserve a healthy and vibrant relationship!

Let us help you two get there and learn more about couples counseling at Colorado Relationship Recovery.