Introduction

We all get triggered by our partners from time to time. It’s a normal part of a relationship. Unfortunately, we often lash out or withdraw when triggered.

When we respond from this triggered state of mind (from the adaptive child part of us), we run amuck in our relationship.

It puts enormous stress on the relationship and, if continued, makes it feel heavy and eventually hopeless.

In this blog post, I’ll share some advice on how to deal with triggers healthily.

I’ll also talk about the importance of inner child work, which can help us to heal the wounds that our partners trigger.

What’s going on when we’re triggered?

A mentor and colleague, Jan Bergstrom, said, “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”

When triggered, we have one foot in the present and one in the past.

A benefit of couples counseling is that an astute counselor can make this connection on the spot – how a reaction is rooted in the past.

This provides self-empathy as well as empathy from your partner. It also highlights where to work to avoid that reaction – and responding appropriately instead of reacting ultimately heals ourselves.

One of the best ways to work with your triggers is to:

“Get Your Eyeballs Off Your Partner and Put Them on Yourself.” That’s a quote from Pia Mellody.

This means taking a step back and examining your own emotions.

• What are you feeling?
• Where are these feelings coming from?
• How old are you feeling now?

Once you’ve identified your emotions, you can work with them. This might involve journaling, mindfulness (breathing into the emotions), or doing some inner child work – with the help first from a counselor.

Inner Child Work

Inner child work is a type of therapy that helps us heal the wounds we experienced in childhood. As stated, when we’re triggered, we have one foot in the present and one in the past.

Inner child work helps us form a relationship with our wounds.

A relationship that contains guidance, nurture, and limits – often what we needed growing up.

Another phrase for this is: reparenting ourselves.

One of my favorite quotes from Pia Mellody is:

“Being a functional adult is taking care of our wounding instead of letting our wounding loose on other people.”

One way to do inner child work is to visualize yourself as a child and talk to that child compassionately.

A Case Study

Recently I had a couple in my office, and her partner’s forgetfulness triggered a core belief in her that she was unlovable.

When her partner forgot to close the cabinets, she would get irate, and the story she told herself was that he forgot because he didn’t care about her.

Because she was open to therapy and wanted to get better, we identified that the root of her anger was a core belief that she was unlovable. This belief stemmed from a childhood experience when her father left home – when she was eight.

We got there with the above question,

“How old are you feeling now?”

She was open to being guided through a visualization of speaking with her eight-year-old self.

I said, “I want you to close your eyes and picture that eight-year-old you in your mind’s eye. Where is she? What is she doing? And let me know when you got her.”

She said she did.

I said, “From your wise adult self. The part of you that can have empathy and be spiritual, introduce yourself. Say, in your own words, I’m you all grown up and I’d like to talk with you.”

And she repeated that.

I said, “What did that eight-year-old say? Is she up for talking?”

And she said, “Yeah, she’s up for it.”

Then I asked her, “Anything that you would like to say to the eight-year-old you, knowing that her dad just left?”

She paused and said to her, “I know your dad just left you, and you are so sad. I want you to know that it’s not your fault.”

I asked her, “What is that 8-year-old doing now?”

She said, “She likes what she’s hearing but is a little guarded.”

I said, “That’s understandable.” I asked her, “If you could scan her little body, what is she feeling?”

She said, “A little bit of anxiety, but also a little bit of hope.”

I said, “What is she hopeful about?”

And she spoke, “That someone is here for her now.”

I said, “Tell her that; tell her that you are here for her now.”

And she repeated just that.

I said, “Tell her that you will never leave her.”

This is where she got emotional.

I asked her, “What are you feeling?”

She said, “Sadness.” And then she started to cry.

And we paused here for a moment. I said, “That’s the little girl’s tears. I’m so glad you can feel that for her now.”

Then I helped her talk to that little girl with compassion and tell her she was loved.

________

After doing this inner child work and starting the process of reparenting herself, there was more space between the incident (cabinets open) and her response.

Eventually, she could see his forgetfulness in a new light – as just forgetfulness.

In a subsequent session, she asked, “So what do I do when the cabinets are open?”

That is a great question.

“First, have a compassionate conversation with that eight-year-old you, if need be. Then, after you are more centered and settled you have more options.

• You can leave them open and tolerate how that feels.
• Simply close them yourself, without any passive-aggressiveness. I think that’s my favorite.
• You can grieve the fact that he may leave the cabinets open from time to time while you appreciate what you are getting from the relationship.

All these options beat letting your hurt loose on him in an angry manner.

You win and so does the relationship.