Intro

If you’ve been together for more than a few years, chances are you’ve felt like roommates with your partner.

You’re not fighting. You still share laughs, chores, and the chaos of everyday life.

However, you two have stopped prioritizing each other, and the relationship has fallen further down the list of priorities for your attention.

Many long-term couples reach this stage, often without noticing it at first. We call it a roommate phase—and while it’s common, it doesn’t have to become your new normal.

What Is the Roommate Phase?

It’s that slow drift into emotional autopilot.

You get things done, keep the household running, maybe even co-parent like pros—but the warmth, curiosity, touch, and intimacy have taken a backseat.

Some signs it’s happening:

• Emotional intimacy has decreased; you know less about your partner’s feelings, thoughts, and life
• Physical intimacy has reduced, and you’ve stopped having sex
• You feel disconnected from your partner, and little things can make you more annoyed with them
• You have assumptions that you’ve stopped talking about with your partner, and sometimes those assumptions are negative

How Do Couples End Up Here?

Because life can be exhausting and demanding. And as a result:

• You start prioritizing everything else—kids, work, laundry, exercise
• Exhaustion replaces curiosity—you give less undivided attention to each other
• You’re less curious about your partner’s feelings, thoughts, and life
• Emotional check-ins get replaced with Netflix and scrolling (and not Netflix and chilling)
• You’ve stopped greeting each other when you get home
• You don’t check in at the end of the day or after your kids go to bed
• You haven’t been on a date in a while

And because there’s no big fight or betrayal, it’s easy to ignore... until the quiet starts to feel like distance and annoyance.

So, How Do You Get Out of the Roommate Phase?

Good news: this phase can be reversed. It requires awareness, intention, and the development of new habits.

Talk about it, start with vulnerability

Reflect on how this phase has been affecting you. Bring it up with love, not accusation.

Vulnerability is leading with your feelings, giving something for your partner to connect with.

For example: “I miss us. Can we talk about having more connection and intimacy in our relationship?”

We want to invite our partner to collaborate with us. We don’t want to attack or criticize, as that would have the opposite effect.

Create space to find each other in the everyday

It’s not about the hours—it’s about presence. Try:

• 15-minute check-ins at least once a week (no screens), click here for a suggested template.
• Weekly or bi-monthly date night. This gives us something to look forward to during the day-to-day grind.
• Start to appreciate each other more. Here are some suggested prompts
• Use this free app as a prompt for questions and conversation starters
• Try something new together: a class, a hike, or a weekend getaway—new experiences help break routine and reconnect. That’s why traveling to a new place can be such a positive experience for couples.

Rebuild physical intimacy—without pressure

It’s easy to let physical closeness fade as emotional distance begins to set in. As you start to create emotional intimacy (above), be more intentional about physical intimacy.

Start slow, as it can sometimes be challenging for one or both partners to jump straight into sex from the roommate phase.

Start with:

• Holding hands again.
• Hug again and hug longer.
• Greet each other with a hug when you get home. Here’s a suggested video
• Snuggle in bed before you fall asleep or when you wake up

Touch helps remind your nervous systems you’re safe with each other.

Consider getting support

If this all sounds good in theory but feels challenging in practice, couples therapy can be beneficial.

We know you didn’t sign up for a life of competing schedules and polite talk. You picked each other for love, support, laughter—and yes, passion.

At Colorado Relationship Recovery, we can be accountability coaches to guide you through these steps. We also provide a space where you can feel heard and supported, and for you two to feel reconnected.

We’d love to help you find your way back.

👉 Reach out today to schedule a session and start reconnecting.