This blog contains highlights from a popular interview Jason did on his podcast with couples and sex therapist Janelle Washburne.
Intro
Let’s be honest: parenting is beautiful and exhausting, often at the same time. Somewhere between diaper changes, soccer practices, and endless laundry, intimacy can quietly slip down the priority list.
If you’ve ever caught yourself wondering, “How do we get the spark back?”—you’re not alone.
In this conversation, Janelle provides advice on rekindling passion, dealing with mismatched desire, and maintaining connection when life gets too busy.
So, What Exactly Is Sex Therapy?
Despite what the name might suggest, sex therapy doesn’t involve anything physical in the therapy room.
Janelle shares that sex therapy is essentially couples therapy. It’s talk therapy with a focus on intimacy—exploring what’s working, what’s not, and how to strengthen your connection.
Common challenges Janelle sees?
- Different levels of desire
- Stress and exhaustion (hello, parenthood)
- Physical discomfort or pain
- The everyday grind that squeezes out space for intimacy
The goal isn’t to make sex “perfect.” It’s to create a safe space where you can talk openly, experiment with practical tools, and rediscover what feels good for both of you.
The Dance Between Emotional and Physical Intimacy
Here’s a common mismatch: one partner feels they need emotional closeness before sex, while the other feels they need sex to feel emotionally close. Sound familiar? This is very common in our practice.
The key isn’t to decide who’s right—it’s to keep the cycle moving. That means investing in both sides:
- Emotional closeness through quality time, genuine conversations, and shared laughter
- Physical closeness through affection, touch, and yes, sex when you’re ready
It’s less about solving a puzzle and more about tending a rhythm that feeds both partners.
We approach this dance with the idea of helping your partner help you. The question is, how can I help my partner come through for me so I can get more of what I want?
When Desire Doesn’t Match Up
Mismatched desire doesn’t mean something’s broken. Think of it like vacation preferences—one of you wants to hit the beach every day, the other’s content with one sunset stroll. Different isn’t defective.
Janelle explains two common styles of desire:
- Spontaneous desire: the kind that shows up out of nowhere.
- Responsive desire: the kind that needs warmth, connection, or arousal first.
Most couples have a combination of both. The key is identifying your style and respecting your partner’s, without calling one “better.”
The “Pot of Water” Analogy
Picture your relationship as a pot of water on the stove. If you’re not connecting—no flirting, no small touches, no shared laughter—the pot is cold.
But every little gesture—holding hands, putting your phone down, kissing in the kitchen—turns up the heat. Over time, the water warms, making intimacy more likely.
The lesson? Don’t expect to go from ice-cold to boiling in five minutes. Build warmth with small, steady sparks.
Pleasure Over Performance
Sex isn’t an audition. It doesn’t have to follow a script, and it certainly doesn’t need to be flawless. Awkward moments are part of the deal.
Janelle encourages couples to shift the focus from “Did we do it right?” to “Did we enjoy being together?” Connection matters far more than performance.
When Sex Isn’t a Big Deal
Some couples are perfectly content with less sex. That’s fine—if both people feel satisfied. The red flag isn’t frequency; it’s disconnection. When intimacy of any kind fades, the relationship can start to feel more like a co-parenting partnership than a romantic one.
When to Consider Couples Therapy
If you want a more vibrant sex life but feel stuck, it might be time to bring in a professional. Sometimes just being able to talk openly about sex—with someone who won’t flinch—is the most healing part of the process.
Scheduling Sex: Practical, Not Pathetic
Yes, planning intimacy can feel unromantic. However, for busy parents, it’s often the only way to ensure it happens. Call it “Sexy Sundays,” schedule a date night, or block off time together.
And when you go out? Resist the urge to discuss children or work. Focus on you two.
Taking Ownership
It’s easy to fall into blame: If only my partner would… But intimacy grows when each person asks, “What can I do to nurture our connection?”
Appreciation, kindness, and accountability create the kind of safety that allows passion to return.
The Three-Layer Cake
Janelle describes intimacy like a cake:
- The base: emotional safety and connection
- The middle: affection, touch, and daily warmth
- The top layer: sexual intimacy
Without the foundation, the top layer won’t hold. Build from the bottom up.
Final Thoughts: There’s Always Hope
If you’re feeling stuck, remember intimacy isn’t lost forever. With patience, playfulness, and sometimes a little professional guidance, couples can regain closeness—even amid the chaos of parenthood.
If you’d like support in this process, I’d love to help. At Colorado Relationship Recovery, we specialize in guiding couples through the very challenges that come with parenting, sex, and everything in between.
Whether you’re looking to rebuild a connection, work through old resentments, or find your way back to one another, therapy can provide you with the tools and space you need.