Dating & Our Brains

Neuroscience tells us that nature is more interested in getting together and having sex than in long-term relationships.

Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Dating, writes that in the early stages of courtship, our brains are awash with chemicals that give a similar feeling to being on drugs.

He writes that if those love chemicals stayed forever in our brains, we’d fry out, so we automate the person we were once infatuated with to conserve energy.

Automating your partner means that the intensity of your attention towards them is less and vice-versa.

On this, Stan Tatkin eloquently writes (link to the blog containing this quote here):

“The beautiful, fascinating, mysterious new thing that you are will be automated by my brain very soon. And your brain will automate me soon, too. When that happens, we will become familiar, and our novelty-seeking brains will no longer pay each other so much attention. Instead, we will draw from our vast reservoir of memories and experiences to do our daily business.”

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Drawing on these memories and experiences, we start to operate on reflexes and how we adapted growing up.

For example, did we have to defend ourselves emotionally growing up or in a previous relationship?

Did we observe to withdraw and avoid conflict?

Here is where the work begins because these patterns will show up.

The infatuation stage usually ends in 1-2 years, kicking off automation, which is technically the rest of your life if you get married and don’t get divorced.

So, it’s wise to wait at least 1-2 years before you get married to know how you two will start to show up together in the relationship.

After this time, it’s also wise to engage in premarital counseling so you two know more about each other. You can become aware of each other’s reflexes and understand what makes each other feel loved.

In premarital counseling, you also gain tools to help you two avoid disconnection and repair when there.

Marriage Counseling & Couples Therapy

If you two are married, marriage counseling will help you understand the negative patterns you get into – usually based on early memories and experiences – and how to get out of them for more harmony and connection.

Conclusion:

As highlighted, the initial stages of a relationship are driven by powerful chemicals that is similar to being on drugs.

When these chemicals wane, our brains begin to automate our partners, decreasing the intensity of our attention toward each other.

This transition typically occurs within 1-2 years, making it prudent to wait at least this long before tying the knot.

By allowing this time, couples can better understand each other’s reflexes and how they will start to show up in a long-term relationship.

Also, all situations are unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer. However, taking the time to truly know each other and being guided by a premarital counselor can make it the right time to get married.