There are usually two different sides of disconnection.
On one side, partners express anger to each other; on the other, there is a lack of effort or feeling like you are roommates.
We can be somewhere in between these sides.
For example, an angry conflict can result in living like roommates for several days. Or feeling like roommates can trigger an angry conflict.
Whatever side of disconnection you experience most, spending too much time there can lead to questions about divorce or separation.
So, the question is, how do you know when your marriage is over?
If you two are spending a lot of time on the angry conflict side, the question is, how deep is your resentment?
If your resentment has moved to expressing contempt – only seeing your partner at their worst and assuming they’re acting with ill intent toward you – your marriage may be ending.
It’s like your brain has become wired for war with your partner, and if you actively express that, it’s verbal abuse.
Couples’ researcher John Gottman calls contempt the number one predictor of divorce.
Another indicator that contempt is present is if you two retaliate against each other, i.e., feel justified to get even.
“You did this to me, so I’m going to do this to you.”
Terry Real calls retaliation offending from the victim position, and when engaging in retaliation, you are trying to feel better at the expense of the relationship getting better.
The other side of disconnection is feeling like roommates.
On this side, active resentment is not expressed verbally but loudly via withdrawal.
Depending on how deep and long the withdrawal has been, is how deep and long your negative assumptions about the relationship have been.
Iciness and a lack of interaction breeds assumption, and when we assume, it’s for the worst.
For example, we may start to think: “Is divorce imminent?”
Then, we may silently plan what that will look like and when to call a divorce lawyer.
When withdrawal is chronic, we may begin to check out and not care anymore.
If we lose the will to fight for the marriage and make it better, and we have planned what divorce will look like, it’s a sign that it may be over.
Chronic disconnection, whether it manifests via expressing anger or by withdrawal, is the main sign your marriage may be over.
However, if there’s motivation to improve it, there’s hope.
A good marriage counselor can guide you two through disconnection and to more connection, harmony, and passion if you want that with your partner.
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What about infidelity?
You may think that infidelity is an indicator of divorce, and that is true. But infidelity causes disconnection or is a result of it.