Can Marriage Counseling Make Things Worse?

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Intro

This can be a concern if you are seeking marriage counseling. You don’t want to seek help for your marriage only to make matters worse.

Marriage counseling can guide you two through disconnection to connection and intimacy.

It can also bring brutal truths and unresolved issues that may initially feel overwhelming to the surface.

What does worse mean in marriage counseling?

1) Does worse mean exposing truths and issues so you two fight more, or is there more disconnection?

2) Does worse mean that you two break up or divorce?

In response to the first question, something new or hurtful to you or your partner may come out in counseling.

For example, a big one could involve reviling an affair or one partner disclosing that they’ve been unhappy for a long time.

So, couples may fight more as this new information is being processed.

How we help

As marriage counselors, we give you two tools to process information respectfully and fight less.

For example, we often remind people that it’s OK to be angry, but there’s a difference between saying, “I’m angry” and being verbally abusive. We do not want the latter.

We want you to speak as a representative of the anger (from the wise adult part of you) and not from the anger itself (we call that the adaptive child part of you).

This gives you two a better chance to process issues quickly and effectively. Ultimately, you two feel comfortable bringing up any problem with your partner.

Working With Hopelessness

Couples can also feel hopeless because of marriage counseling, which leads to more disconnection.

Hopelessness can come from one or both partners not using the tools agreed upon in the session.

As RLT marriage counselors, we help you two find the motivation to do something different and work with the adaptive child parts of you that do not care about relationship tools.

Can marriage counseling lead to divorce?

The answer is yes.

But…

It can if one or both partners are already there – you don’t have the motivation to give it another try.

As marriage counselors, we are not in the business of breaking up relationships. 

However, we can clarify where one or both partners are in terms of willingness to save the relationship.

Clarity is bringing to light that one partner may be done. We don’t try to convince anyone of that; we just name what’s there.

Conclusion

It’s important to remember that the discomfort or tension that sometimes arises in counseling is often a natural part of the healing process.

We guide you two through this process and ensure that you honor each other and, as a result, the relationship.

In the end, marriage counseling offers a chance for growth, even if that growth sometimes looks different from what we imagined.

For more information, check out our marriage counseling homepage!

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