A study suggests that couples survive 57% of the time when infidelity is revealed.
As therapists who help couples recover from infidelity and cheating, we want couples not only to survive but also to thrive.
In this context, surviving simply means staying together.
Thriving means having a stronger, more connected relationship after the cheating is revealed.
The unfortunate incident of cheating does have the potential to unlock growth and transformation in your relationship.
Perhaps you two were becoming roommates, or perhaps you were fighting, bickering, and building resentment. Or a combination.
These dynamics can make you vulnerable to cheating.
For example, what allowed you to forget or override your “no” – why don’t you cheat?
We know why we would cheat, and that’s because we like the attention, and it can feel good and be exciting.
Often, people forget or override their “no” because they feel justified or entitled.
For example,
- “I’m not getting what I want anyway…”
- “My partner doesn’t give me this kind of attention.”
- “Forget them. I’m so mad at them anyway.”
- “We don’t have sex anymore.”
- “They are so mean, and I deserve this.”
Suppose the relationship can move beyond the discovery phase (the early part for the hurt partner) of infidelity, during which the hurt partner’s world has been turned upside down (often traumatic), into an understanding phase.
In this phase, couples can begin laying the foundation for a stronger relationship.
This means both partners are looking at their side with a motivation to change.
Now, one partner may need to look harder than the other, but the new stance is to move through the cheating collaboratively.
Then, the question is how you can build a stronger relationship so that this (cheating) doesn’t happen again?
This means examining problematic cycles in the relationship that create disconnection.
When disconnection occurs, do you withdraw or fight as in the past, or do you roll up your sleeves and talk about it?
The latter means becoming a wise, mature adult in your relationship.
Surviving and thriving after cheating also means you talk respectfully about the incident.
We often encourage the hurt partner to speak as a representative of their anger, not from it, and to end with a request. For example, “I could use your reassurance or support.”
This may seem like a tall order, but it can get easier over time.
We coach the involved partner to respond to the hurt partner with empathy and generosity.
That means understanding that your partner’s world has been turned upside down and that you may need to provide things that help rebuild trust.
And don’t respond with something like,
- “When will you get over this?”
- Or “Why are you with me? I’m the worst person ever.”
Both responses essentially make it about you rather than the one who’s hurt, your partner.
An empathetic and generous response may sound like, “I’m so sorry I did this, and I’m here for you now.”
This is the basic framework for how couples not only survive but also thrive.
It’s not always easy, but it is doable, especially with a guide who has helped couples navigate infidelity.
If you’d like support in working through cheating, we’re here to help.
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