A recent study suggests that couples survive 57% of the time when infidelity is revealed.

As therapists who help couples recover from infidelity and cheating, we want couples not only to survive but to thrive.

Surviving in this context is simply staying together. Thriving means having a stronger, more connected relationship after the cheating is revealed.

The unfortunate incident of cheating does have the potential to unlock growth and transformation in your relationship.

Perhaps you two were becoming roommates or possibly fighting, bickering, and building resentment. Or a combination.

These dynamics can make you susceptible to cheating.

For example, what allowed you to forget or override your “no” – why you don’t cheat?

We know why we would cheat, and that’s because we like the attention, and it can feel good and be exciting.

Often, people forget or override their “no” because they feel justified or entitled.

For example,

• “I’m not getting what I want anyway…”
• “My partner doesn’t give me this kind of attention.”
• “Forget them. I’m so mad at them anyway.”
• “We don’t have sex anymore.”
• “They are so mean, and I deserve this.”

Suppose the relationship can make it past the discovery phase, where the hurt partner’s world has been turned upside down (often traumatic), to an understanding phase.

In this phase, couples can begin to create the foundation for a stronger relationship.

This means both partners are looking at their side with a motivation for change.

Now, one partner may need to look harder than the other, but the new stance is moving through the cheating collaboratively.

Then, the question is, how can you build a stronger relationship so that this (cheating) doesn’t happen again?

This means examining problematic cycles in the relationship that create disconnection. And when disconnection occurs, do you withdraw or fight as in the past, or do you roll up your sleeves and talk about it?

The latter means to start to be a wise adult in your relationship.

Surviving and thriving after cheating also means that you talk respectfully about the incident.

We often encourage the hurt partner to speak as a representative of their anger, not from it, and to end on a request. For example, “I could use your reassurance.”

This may seem like a tall ask, but it can get easier over time.

We coach the involved partner to respond to the hurt partner with empathy and generosity. That is understanding that your partner’s world has been turned upside down, and you may need to provide things that build back trust.

And don’t respond with something like,

• “When will you get over this?”
• Or “Why are you with me? I’m the worst person ever.”

Both responses essentially make it about you and not the one who’s hurt, your partner.

An empathic and generous response may look like, “I’m so sorry I did this, and I’m here for you now.”

This is the basic frame of how couples not only survive but thrive.

It’s not always easy, but it is doable, especially with a guide who has successfully helped couples move through cheating.

If you’d like support in working through cheating, we can help.

Click to learn more about how we help couples recover from cheating.