If you feel bad for cheating, that means you are a good person.
It would be worrisome if you didn’t.
If your partner has recently found out about the cheating, they may be reeling from the discovery of it and experiencing a lot of pain.
One thing that will not help you is if your self-loathing is too deep.
For example, if your partner wants to talk about the hurt you caused and you say something like, “I’m such a bad person. Why are you with me?”
You are making it about your self-loathing rather than their hurt, and currently, your partner needs you to make it about them.
Action
One way to start to forgive yourself is to understand some of your partner’s pain and share that you do get it and you’re sorry.
You will have to confront the impact of what you did, but this way, you can do something about how bad you feel — by making yourself available to your partner.
How do you get out of deep self-loathing to tell your partner you’re sorry and understand their pain?
You remind yourself that even though you feel bad about this, you are a good person — a good person who has made a mistake. Good people fix their mistakes and, as a result, start to forgive themselves.
So, action is a way to forgive yourself, making it less about you and expressing that you understand and are sorry.
Understanding
Another way to forgive yourself is to know why you cheat.
The usual reasons are that cheating feels nice and exciting, and everyone likes attention and to be desired.
We are human.
Then, reflect on what made you forget your “no”— why you don’t cheat.
For example, we don’t cheat because we don’t want to hurt our partner or our kids or because that’s not the person we want to be.
Forgiveness can continue by reflecting on why you forgot your “no.” For example, was cheating modeled growing up, or was I set up to be selfish by my family of origin?
Were you not getting what you wanted from the relationship, so you went outside?
Why did you seek gratification outside instead of rolling up your sleeves and going after what you wanted inside the relationship?
Did you not think that was possible in your relationship?
Addressing these questions can eventually move you away from the narrative of "I'm bad, that's why I cheated." To one of action and forgiveness by conveying that you are connected to your “no”— your reasons why you will not cheat.
Conclusion
Forgiving yourself for cheating is crucial for you, your partner, and your relationship.
It’s essential to express guilt and empathy to your partner and not be stuck in self-loathing — which is not relational.
You are a good person who has made a mistake; good people are accountable and make things right.
Taking responsibility, reflecting on the reasons behind your actions, and committing to positive changes are crucial steps in this process.
Remember, forgiveness is not about erasing the past but learning from it and striving to improve.
Through empathy, reflection, and genuine effort, you can practice self-forgiveness and, ultimately, have a healthier relationship in the future.
Click this link to learn more about how we help couples recover from infidelity and affairs.