If you feel bad for cheating, that means you are a good person.
It would be worrisome if you didn’t.
If your partner has recently found out about the cheating, they may be reeling from the discovery and experiencing a lot of pain.
One thing that will not help you is if your self-loathing runs too deep.
For example, if your partner wants to talk about the hurt you caused, and you say, “I’m such a bad person. Why are you with me?”
You are making it about yourself rather than about their hurt.
You are putting your self-loathing above their needs, and right now, your partner needs you to make it about them.
I know you’re in a tough spot. It’s like you’re in the doghouse, but you have to be the hero at the same time.
Action
One way to start forgiving yourself is to understand some of your partner’s pain, acknowledge that you do get it, and say you’re sorry.
You will have to confront the impact of what you did, but this way, you can do something about how bad you feel — by being available to your partner.
You remind yourself that even though you feel bad about this, you are a good person — one who has made a mistake.
That is action, and we can call that guilt. Guilt can bring you closer to your partner; self-loathing does not.
Good people fix their mistakes and, as a result, begin to forgive themselves.
So, action is a way to forgive yourself, making it less about you and showing that you understand and are sorry.
Understanding
Another way to forgive yourself is to acknowledge why you and others cheat.
Receiving attention and, ultimately, affection from others feels nice. And stepping outside your relationship can be exhilarating.
We are human.
A better question to ask yourself and to eventually share with your partner is:
What made you forget your “no” – the reasons why you don’t cheat?
For example, we don’t cheat because we don’t want to hurt our partner or our kids, or because that’s not the person we want to be. Chances are, when you cheated, you forgot this or pushed it aside.
Forgiveness can continue by reflecting on why you forgot your “no.”
For example, were you caught up in the moment?
Did you feel entitled to it?
Were you not open about your wants and needs in your relationship, and do you think that if you had been, you still wouldn't have gotten them?
These are topics to explore in couples therapy during the healing.
And in couples therapy, we may delve deeper into your side, such as whether cheating or self-entitlement were modeled and encouraged growing up.
Exploring questions and topics like these can help you move away from the narrative of "I'm bad, that's why I cheated."
A practice
One of my favorite questions when we notice we’re being particularly hard on ourselves is to gently ask, “Can I hold myself in warm regard despite my imperfections?”
The question itself is a reminder that we are human.
You may not be there now (able to hold yourself in warm regard), but it is a practice.
And by expressing guilt, such as I’m so sorry and I’m here for you and by not indulging in shame, e.g., “I’m no good, why are you with me,” you will start to feel better about yourself.
You forgot your “no,” and if you remember it and convey to your partner that you are connected to your no, trust will slowly come back, making it easier to forgive yourself.
And if you use this incident as motivation to transform your relationship, forgiveness and perspective will follow.
Conclusion
Forgiveness isn’t about erasing the past but about learning from it and striving to improve.
Remember that humans are imperfect.
Through empathy, reflection, and genuine effort, you can practice self-forgiveness and, ultimately, build a healthier relationship.
When you shift from shame to responsibility, you give yourself and your partner something to rebuild on.
Over time, it’s not perfection that restores trust—it’s your consistent willingness to show up, to understand, and to do better.
Click this link to learn more about how to recover from infidelity and affairs.