Intro
Ever have one of those days when someone says something snarky, and before you know it, you’ve gone full porcupine—spines out, ready to defend?
Yeah, me too. That’s putting up a wall.
At times a wall may be appropriate, but with our partner, usually it's not.
A wall is fast, reactive, and usually fueled by hurt or frustration.
But there’s another way—one that protects without pushing people away. That’s where the practice of functional boundaries comes in.
First, let’s talk about the difference.
Walls Feel Good (for About Ten Seconds)
Picture this: you’re sitting in a coffee shop, filming a video about relationships (see this example in the video below), when a stranger yells, “Hey man, why are you recording in a coffee shop? You’re an idiot.”
You could respond by throwing your plastic cup and yelling, “Why don’t you mind your own business?”—and boom, that’s a wall.
You’ve defended yourself, but you’ve escalated and potentially invited more conflict.
Walls are reactive. They say, “I’ll protect myself by closing off.” In relationships, that might look like:
- Anger
- Sarcasm
- Blame
- Shutting down
- Walking away mid-conversation—see more about appropriate space below.
Walls protect us from discomfort, but they also keep us from connection. When we use a wall, we try to feel better at the expense of getting better.
When practicing healthy boundaries, the goal is to, “Stay protected and connected” —Terry Real.
And by ‘connected,’ we’re interested in staying connected with our partner, not necessarily the person from the coffee shop.
Boundaries Feel Harder (but Work Way Better)
Now imagine the same scene, but this time you take a breath and say, “You know what, man? I’m not in your business, so can you please stay out of mine?”
That’s a boundary. Calm, direct, and still protective.
You've protected yourself without escalating.
A boundary says:
“This is what’s okay and what’s not okay with me.”
It doesn’t attack. It doesn’t retreat. It just stands.
And that’s what we should practice with our partner.
The Psychology of Boundaries: The Orange Peel Metaphor 🍊– (inspired by Terry Real)
Here’s a simple metaphor: think of a healthy boundary like the layers of an orange peel.
- No Boundary (the soft fruit): You absorb everything—other people’s moods, opinions, guilt, and anger. You take blame that isn’t yours. You’re completely open, but also completely exposed; you also say whatever comes to mind with no filter.
- Wall (too much of the shiny and white part of the peel): You let nothing in. You might look strong, but you’re also cut off from empathy and connection. You can’t listen to what’s true for others because you’re too busy staying defensive, and you don’t share what you’re experiencing.
- Healthy, Functional Boundaries (you have the peel, but you have control of what you let in and out). Here you can stay connected and protected. You can hear what others say, but you only take in what’s true for you and leave out the rest. You speak clearly and with care. You release emotions in moderation, rather than exploding or bottling them up.
Healthy boundaries are that balanced middle ground—protective yet flexible.
In Relationships, It Gets Trickier
It’s one thing to hold a boundary with a stranger at a coffee shop. It’s another thing to do it with your partner.
Because when emotions run high—when you feel unheard, blamed, or dismissed—it’s easy to retreat behind walls. But if you can pause just enough to set a boundary instead, you transform the entire dynamic.
Here are a few examples:
- “I want to see it from your perspective, but I can’t when you’re yelling.”
- “I love you, but I’m not okay with being spoken to that way.”
Boundaries don’t guarantee a smooth response. Your partner might get defensive, roll their eyes, or even mock you. But here’s the truth: you can’t control their reaction—you can only control your side.
As previously mentioned couples therapist Terry Real says, “Good day for you, bad day for your partner.”
Sometimes, doing what’s healthy doesn’t feel good initially. But that’s growth speaking.
Taking Appropriate Space
Is not a wall, it's being aware of your reflex for space, and taking it while still be relational.
Sometimes, even while practicing boundaries, emotions can become too intense to continue a conversation. That’s where taking appropriate space helps.
For example:
“I need to take 10 minutes to calm down. After that, I’ll come back.”
That last part—coming back—is what makes space appropriate. Without it, space becomes withdrawal, which can feel like abandonment to some people.
When you use a formal time-out, the same principle applies: the time-out includes a built-in plan to return.
The default interval is approximately twenty minutes, but it can be extended if needed, if you check back in when you said you would.
Taking space responsibly shows care and respect. It's not staying there shut-down and it prevents you from saying things you’ll regret.
So, Which One Are You Using Most?
Walls protect through distance. Boundaries protect through clarity.
See this PDF chart to reflect on where you are at currently in your relationship. The goal is Functional/Wise aka Healthy boundaries.
When you build walls, you might keep pain out, but you also block connection. When you practice boundaries, you create the safety and closeness can develop.
So next time you feel that urge to snap, shut down, or storm off, take a deep breath and ask yourself:
“Am I building a wall right now, or setting a boundary?”
Then choose the one that moves you closer to connection.
Work With Us
If you’re in a relationship that feels tense or disconnected, understanding the difference between boundaries and walls can make a big difference.
It’s one of the primary shifts we focus on when providing couples therapy to those in the Denver and Lakewood areas.
At Colorado Relationship Recovery, we help you rebuild trust, strengthen communication, and create the kind of emotional safety that allows intimacy to thrive!