The following list is adapted from my study with Stan Tatkin and from attachment research.
Stan has a term called a secure-functioning relationship. This term means that each partner looks after the relationship and protects the other from themselves.
For example, it means not overreacting with anger, judgment, or passive-aggressive withdrawal, and not letting the need to be right be more important than the relationship.
It also means not putting other things too far ahead of the relationship in terms of time, attention, and energy, such as golf, time away, or work, unless you've made explicit agreements.
A secure-functioning relationship calls for relational mindfulness, which means we are aware of ourselves, our responses, and our actions in relation to the relationship.
Kind of like how Terry Real states, “We need to have an active relationship with our relationship.”
This could seem like a lot of work, but what is even more work, as well as an emotional drain, is a relationship where being right, indulging in anger, and putting personal pursuits above everything else continue for too long.
A secure-functioning relationship allows us to be the best we can be as individuals. It gives us refuge at home and creates a sense of home and trust.
It doesn't mean we will be consumed by the relationship or lose our freedom and voice; in fact, the opposite happens when we practice this: we gain more autonomy and trust.
Here are 6 practices for a secure-functioning relationship.
1) Be aware of your side of the relationship. You must honestly look at how you show up, even if painful or shame-inducing; this is the first step to accountability.
2) With accountability, repair quickly when you’ve made a mistake. A good apology acknowledges what happened, conveys how that must have felt for your partner, and shares a plan for how you will avoid it in the future.
3) Don’t put things above your relationship that take a lot of time, attention, and energy. Unless you have specific agreements, for example, this quarter I’m going to be at work more, make sure your partner doesn’t feel like they are losing out on time and significance to anything else, such as work, leisure, or a big one: alcohol or drugs.
4) Know your partner’s vulnerabilities; for example, do they get easily triggered by a raised voice or withdrawal?
Common attachment vulnerabilities for the Island/avoidant are a fear of being engulfed or losing autonomy. Another common one is being reminded of their “inadequacies.” For example, researching healthy relationships and then using that to show how off they are.
Common attachment vulnerabilities for the Wave/anxious-ambivalent are a fear of not being a priority or of being alone and “abandoned.”
5) Know and practice the antidote to your partner’s vulnerabilities; for example, for the avoidant, notice when they’ve had enough of the interaction and schedule time to resume it later.
For the anxious partner, convey curiosity and know what makes them feel like a priority.
6) Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Usually, partners don’t wake up on a mission to annoy the other. It helps to remember that your partner is usually on autopilot, running a program from childhood.
With this knowledge, we can take things less personally – but always talk about what hurts and what you’d like more or less of.
Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt also means they may come through if you request something you’d like. And if they say no, they are taking care of themselves and being the healthiest version of themselves for the relationship.
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