My goal as a marriage counselor is to help you two have a healthy and vibrant relationship.

What is a healthy and vibrant relationship?

That ultimately depends on your definition.

Usually, couples seek improved communication and to spend less time feeling disconnected.

They are usually looking to get through and understand each other more.

Marriage counselors will guide you two there to more connection and less disharmony.

However, that may differ from what you want, so honesty is essential.

First tip:

• Be honest.

Share where you are at. For example, if a part of you is in the marriage and a part of you is out, that’s OK; it will help the marriage counselor.

Also, marriage counseling is a place to share what you are really feeling.

Sometimes, we may not feel emotionally safe enough to communicate our frustrations with our partner. Marriage counseling provides the structure and tools to do so.

As a marriage counselor, if I’m unclear about what’s going on, it’s usually because one or both partners withhold their truth.

A lack of honesty makes the process longer.

• Be open to trying something different.

For us to guide you to more connection, you must be open to trying something different.

This can be scary, as change is usually challenging.

If you feel specific advice from a marriage counselor is not helpful, that’s fine. Let us know. But be open to trying something else.

As marriage counselors, we want something different for you two – new tools, new understanding, and new behaviors – what we don’t want is more of the same, especially if the same leads to resentment.

We may ask you to practice a communication tool in session.

We know that can feel contrived and awkward, but marriage counseling can be an opportunity to try it out to see if you feel comfortable adding that new tool to your relationship.

• Listen to your partner.

I know that is obvious, but it’s important to remember if your partner is bringing up a difficult subject, they’re doing so to make things better.

If you listen to understand your partner and not just wait to rebuttal, marriage counseling will be successful.

• Speak to your partner respectfully.

If you want your partner to listen, you need to speak to them respectfully.

If you’re angry with your partner, that’s OK, but you need to speak as a representative of that anger and not from it. For example,

“When you did ____, I felt angry.”

Not, “I’m so mad at you’re an idiot!”

Marriage counselors want both partners to feel heard, and we guide you two on speaking respectfully and practicing listening to understand.

• Practice what you learned.

I send an email to couples after our first session outlining what we addressed and the tools and roadmap moving forward. It’s essential to practice these new moves.

Generally, even implementing those some can pay huge dividends in your relationship. In other words, you don’t have to be perfect. Just practice.

• Be a hero, not a victim.

Be a relational hero of your marriage and know you can reach your relationship goals with proper guidance.

Being a victim keeps us stuck because we feel we can’t do anything to change.

When both partners can look honestly at their side of the relationship and change what’s not working with what is, then they are both relationship heroes, not victims.

Unhealthy relationships contain victims, and healthy ones have heroes.

In conclusion, marriage counseling can be a transformative experience for couples willing to put in the effort and commitment.

Following these tips and advice lets you get the most out of your marriage counseling experience and have a healthy and vibrant relationship.

This will make it so you two need fewer sessions.

So, to get the most out of marriage counseling, remember that honesty, openness to something different, listening and speaking respectfully, and practicing what you learned to be a hero are the keys to success.

I encourage you to embrace the process, and you may find yourself in a healthy and vibrant marriage!

Set up a free consultation with a marriage counselor here!